Ryther - Healthy Children, Stronger Families

Thoughts involved in “wrong thinking” are called “thinking errors.” We all make “thinking errors” every now and then (justifying, blaming, lying and excuse making) so that we don’t have to feel too bad when we make a mistake that causes some degree of harm. Ryther takes careful steps to recognize them in our children and teenagers to decrease the chances of hurting others and empower them to take responsibility for their actions.

Of the many types of thinking errors, one comes to mind on President’s Day: lying. Remember the story of George Washington and the cherry tree? Young George received a hatchet and went hacking about in the family garden, ultimately chopping the bark of a cherry tree enough so that it died. When his father discovered that the cherry tree had been chopped, he became enraged and directly questioned his son. George considered potential responses for several moments and said, “I cannot tell a lie, father, you know I cannot tell a lie! I did cut it with my little hatchet.”The anger drained from his father’s face and he said, “My son, that you should not be afraid to tell the truth is more to me than a thousand trees!”

What a gift George’s father gave to him when he showed that he valued the truth more than he valued a prized possession? How did he muster the emotional strength to do that?

Why do Children & Teenagers Lie?

Whether you’re working with kids or raising kids, you must consider the problem of lying within the context that a child has learned to lie. Some kids lie because it’s a natural part of being young (forging a doctor’s note to skip high school classes). Others lie because they have learned that their parents, teachers, and other adults are uncomfortable with the truth (consider teens who are afraid to tell their parents they’re gay for fear of not being accepted). Some kids lie to protect themselves and others, maybe fearful of further abuse, of feeling shame or embarrassment, or of the consequences from an angry parent.

At Ryther, we teach children that lying about wrong behavior is worse than the behavior itself. We do this by maintaining a calm, neutral stance in response to disclosures and discoveries. We hold groups in which kids learn about how different “thinking errors” such as lying apply to different situations and engage them in role playing to identify where a person is using errors to justify their behaviors. Individually, our staff are trained to recognize and point out “thinking errors” when kids use them, then prompt them to describe their thought process and put into words the thoughts and feelings they had when they made a mistake.

Tools for Parents

Of all the thinking errors, lying is the most difficult to verify. Kids can lie by telling partial truths, by denying or giving false information and by faking agreement with something. As adults, we might suspect a lie is being told but not have the evidence that this is so. In this case, it is most helpful to state your suspicions and the evidence that backs them up. Don’t ask questions like, “Did you take the money out of my wallet?” This opens up the opportunity for more lies. Rather, state, “Some money is missing from my wallet, and I saw you near my purse this morning. I am wondering if you know where my money went.” It’s important not to be accusatory, as this breeds resistance and conflict. Remain calm and don’t get angry. Focus on your own feelings and how the act you think your child has committed has affected something important. Offer the opportunity for your child to talk to you about the problem later, and if you say you won’t be mad when the truth is told, follow through with that promise. However, don’t avoid giving a consequence for wrong behavior. If you know for sure that a lie has been told, give your child the opportunity to tell the truth within a set amount of time, and let him or her know that consequences for the behavior will be more severe if the truth does not come out.

Like George’s father, as parents and caregivers we should show our children that we value the truth more than the loss of possessions or harm that is caused by mistakes they make. We should also be talking with our children about the importance of telling the truth when a lie protects someone who should experience consequences for wrong behavior that hurts others. Perhaps most importantly, we should recognize that kids often communicate through their behavior, and lying is a behavior kids use to meet a need to feel worthy, successful and good. Find ways to help meet this need in your child every day, and you should be able to notice a gradual elimination of a child’s need to cover up the truth. Dealing with lying in children and teens is not an easy process, but a patient, thoughtful approach on the part of a parent will make it easier for all.

Contributed by Ryther Therapist Lindsey Beaky, MA, LMHCA

If you’re concerned about your child and would like to seek professional help, please call 206.517.0234 or visit this page.