Helping Children and Families

Ryther Child Center has been helping children and families for more than 100 years. As part of our service to the community, Ryther wants to help parents and other caregivers in dealing constructively with a major social problem - sexual abuse of children.

The vast majority of sexual abuse of children is done by someone the child knows. Sometimes the abuser is an adult. Other times, it may be a teenager or other "older" child.

Physical and Behavioral Signs That A Child May Have
Been Sexually Abused

Children who have experienced sexual abuse may be too frightened to talk about it. They may, however, give you physical or behavioral signs of what has happened. Any or several of the following signs may be significant. Parents and concerned adults can watch for:

• Significant or extreme changes in behavior, such as loss of appetite, withdrawal or aggressive behavior
• Recurrent nightmares, disturbed sleep patterns or a sudden fear of the dark
• Regression to infantile behavior, such as bedwetting, thumb sucking or excessive crying
• Engaging other children in sexual activities, acting out sexual behaviors, such as intercourse and unusual or excessive masturbation
• Unusual interest in or knowledge of sexual matters and/or expressing affection in ways inappropriate for a child of his/her age
• Vaginal or rectal bleeding, pain, itching, swollen genitals and vaginal/or discharge
• Torn, stained or bloody underclothing
• Difficulty in walking or sitting
• Vaginal infections or venereal disease
• Fear of a particular person or an intense dislike at being left somewhere or with someone
• Aggressive or disruptive behaviors, withdrawal, running away or other "delinquent" behavior and/or lower grades or failing in school

Talking With Your Child About Suspected Sexual Abuse

The first thing to do if you suspect your child has been sexually abused is to talk with him/her about what you see that makes you concerned. Start with general statements, have a supportive and interested tone (not anxious or critical) and do not focus prematurely on either sexual issues or the question of abuse unless this is clear from the beginning.

Say, for example: "I've noticed that you seem (angry, sad, upset, etc.) lately. Is there something troubling you? Is there something I can help with?"

If the child initially does not want to talk, bear in mind that he/she may resist answering because he/she is either embarrassed or afraid. Say, for example, "I know it's hard to talk right now. There are some things I don't like to talk about either because I worry about what someone will think of me. But having me understand what's troubling you may help."

If a child directly discloses abuse, the following suggestions from King County Sexual Assault Resource Center are very helpful:

• Listen carefully
• Believe what the child says: "I believe what you told me."
• Validate the child's experience: "It wasn't your fault. The other person was in charge and he/she is to blame. What he/she did was wrong."
• Praise and support the child for telling: "I'm glad you told me. I'm sorry this happened to you."
• Provide assistance: "I'll do everything I can to help you."

If your child indicates that nothing is wrong, don't press him/her. Make it clear, however, that you are available if he/she wants to talk at some other time. You can say: "I asked because I know that sometimes kids have problems that are hard for them to talk about. I want you to know I care about you and I'm here for you if you ever want to talk."

What Else Can You Do If You Think a Child Has Been Sexually Abused?

In addition to talking with your child, and if the child tells you there has been abuse, here are other steps you can take:

• If the person abusing the child has easy or regular access to him/her or other children, immediately contact the police by calling 911
• Contact Child Protective Services (CPS) to report the abuse. There are 24-hour services available. In King County: 724-4115;
  Statewide: 800-562-5624
• Get professional help for your child. He/she has been the victim of a crime and should have medical and emotional support. Your family doctor is one of the first persons you should contact. Ask your doctor for referrals to counselors or organizations, like Ryther Child Center, who are trained to help sexually abused children.
• Understand the process. After filing the initial report with the police or CPS, a caseworker will investigate the situation by visiting with the child. Depending upon the findings, legal action may be taken.
• Be sensitive to your child's need for privacy by being selective in sharing the information about what has happened to him/her.
• Respect and respond appropriately to your child's preferences for physical contact. He/she may want very much to be held or nurtured or may not want to be touched at all for a time. Be open, accepting and available.