Ryther - Healthy Children, Stronger Families

Thoughts involved in “wrong thinking” are called “thinking errors.” We all make “thinking errors” every now and then (justifying, blaming, lying and excuse making) so that we don’t have to feel too bad when we make a mistake that causes some degree of harm. Ryther takes careful steps to recognize them in our children and teenagers to decrease the chances of hurting others and empower them to take responsibility for their actions.

Of the many types of thinking errors, one comes to mind on President’s Day: lying. Remember the story of George Washington and the cherry tree? Young George received a hatchet and went hacking about in the family garden, ultimately chopping the bark of a cherry tree enough so that it died. When his father discovered that the cherry tree had been chopped, he became enraged and directly questioned his son. George considered potential responses for several moments and said, “I cannot tell a lie, father, you know I cannot tell a lie! I did cut it with my little hatchet.”The anger drained from his father’s face and he said, “My son, that you should not be afraid to tell the truth is more to me than a thousand trees!”

What a gift George’s father gave to him when he showed that he valued the truth more than he valued a prized possession? How did he muster the emotional strength to do that?

Why do Children & Teenagers Lie?

Whether you’re working with kids or raising kids, you must consider the problem of lying within the context that a child has learned to lie. Some kids lie because it’s a natural part of being young (forging a doctor’s note to skip high school classes). Others lie because they have learned that their parents, teachers, and other adults are uncomfortable with the truth (consider teens who are afraid to tell their parents they’re gay for fear of not being accepted). Some kids lie to protect themselves and others, maybe fearful of further abuse, of feeling shame or embarrassment, or of the consequences from an angry parent.

At Ryther, we teach children that lying about wrong behavior is worse than the behavior itself. We do this by maintaining a calm, neutral stance in response to disclosures and discoveries. We hold groups in which kids learn about how different “thinking errors” such as lying apply to different situations and engage them in role playing to identify where a person is using errors to justify their behaviors. Individually, our staff are trained to recognize and point out “thinking errors” when kids use them, then prompt them to describe their thought process and put into words the thoughts and feelings they had when they made a mistake.

Tools for Parents

Of all the thinking errors, lying is the most difficult to verify. Kids can lie by telling partial truths, by denying or giving false information and by faking agreement with something. As adults, we might suspect a lie is being told but not have the evidence that this is so. In this case, it is most helpful to state your suspicions and the evidence that backs them up. Don’t ask questions like, “Did you take the money out of my wallet?” This opens up the opportunity for more lies. Rather, state, “Some money is missing from my wallet, and I saw you near my purse this morning. I am wondering if you know where my money went.” It’s important not to be accusatory, as this breeds resistance and conflict. Remain calm and don’t get angry. Focus on your own feelings and how the act you think your child has committed has affected something important. Offer the opportunity for your child to talk to you about the problem later, and if you say you won’t be mad when the truth is told, follow through with that promise. However, don’t avoid giving a consequence for wrong behavior. If you know for sure that a lie has been told, give your child the opportunity to tell the truth within a set amount of time, and let him or her know that consequences for the behavior will be more severe if the truth does not come out.

Like George’s father, as parents and caregivers we should show our children that we value the truth more than the loss of possessions or harm that is caused by mistakes they make. We should also be talking with our children about the importance of telling the truth when a lie protects someone who should experience consequences for wrong behavior that hurts others. Perhaps most importantly, we should recognize that kids often communicate through their behavior, and lying is a behavior kids use to meet a need to feel worthy, successful and good. Find ways to help meet this need in your child every day, and you should be able to notice a gradual elimination of a child’s need to cover up the truth. Dealing with lying in children and teens is not an easy process, but a patient, thoughtful approach on the part of a parent will make it easier for all.

Contributed by Ryther Therapist Lindsey Beaky, MA, LMHCA

If you’re concerned about your child and would like to seek professional help, please call 206.517.0234 or visit this page.

Considerations during American Heart Health Month

Ever since the dawn of the modern age of psychology, there has been a debate about how we become the adults we are. The short-hand description of this debate was “Nature or Nurture”. Are we born

with innate traits that make some people criminals and other people humanitarians? Interestingly, as the science and technology of brain research and genetics has advanced, some have thought these advancements would help clarify or settle the argument. While newer science has clarified some issues, the best that can be said is that we are who and what we are as a result of both nature and nurture.

Whatever else we have learned, we know that one’s adult health status is very strongly affected by the experiences one has as a child. This is something to consider especially in February which is American Heart Health Month. The pioneering research of Dr. V. J. Felitti and Dr. R. F. Anda has given us ample evidence that if you experience a number of traumatic and highly stressful events in childhood, your entire health status will definitely be affected. We are, of course, referring to Adverse Childhood Experiences.

Perhaps one of the more surprising things this study funded by Kaiser Permanente revealed was that Adverse Childhood Experiences were not all that uncommon. It has been estimated that as much as 25% of the adult population has had some of these experiences which include absent parents, alcohol or drug abuse by a parent, violence, some manner of neglect and emotional abuse as well as physical and sexual abuse. People who have enough of these experiences are likely to develop high risk and unhealthy coping mechanisms including smoking, over eating, drug and alcohol abuse and lack of exercise. Hence, morbid obesity, addiction, depression and even Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease occur with much greater frequency with these people. Those who advocate hands-off methods to struggling families should know that not only will the specific families and their children be victims, but we will all pay a higher price for health and mental health care as well as for the criminal justice system.

To learn more about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE), visit www.acestudy.org.

- Lee E. Grogg

Ryther’s CEO/Executive Director

Cutting a budget whether you are a family, a business or a government is never easy. I know because I have had to do it on two of these categories. Some think making a flat percentage cut across the board some how makes not making decisions both easy, fair and right. It may be easy but it is neither fair or right. It assumes you have no values driven principles or priorities. It suggests that you don’t want to do the work or take responsibility for the results.

Presently the Washington legislature is considering a budget with a 20% across the board to DSHS’ Children’s Administration service called Behavioral Rehabilitation Services (BRS). This pays for care of the State’s most damaged and vulnerable children, like the children at Ryther. Not serving these children will not mean they magically get better or that they won’t be just as costly immediately as a result. However, they do represent a small percentage of the total number of children in care so I suppose one could suggest that no one will notice or care. These children do not scare people on street corners, they don’t vote and they have very few people who will speak for them.

Any government that suggests that the needs of these children are somehow less important than the needs of others is abrogating its responsibility. BRS has been severely cut and reduced over the years. A 20% will gut the program and abandon a lot of children and it will not save money in the either the near term or long term.

Please help us at Ryther speak up for these kids. Let your legislators and the Governor know that seldom is the easy way the best way by calling, emailing or writing a letter. Find your legislators here: http://apps.leg.wa.gov/DistrictFinder/Default.aspx.

An interview with Dr. Elina Durchman, Psychiatrist at Ryther.

How can parents tell when their child needs professional help?

There is no easy answer for that, but anytime a parent is concerned about their child, they should seek professional advice. When there is a behavior or mood change, parents should seek professional help. The most common symptoms are acting out in a school setting or daycare. Very young children who don’t know how to verbalize their feelings can be aggressive at daycare or preschool. This can be a warning sign that something is going on. Parents should check with their child’s teacher to see how their child is acting in the classroom and compare this to their home environment. There is often a difference between home life and school. Kids can be very calm and happy in the home environment, but very fearful at school.

Why might a child become anxious or defiant regarding school?

Children may become defiant at school because they don’t understand their teacher or what the teacher is saying, which is very difficult for children to deal with and also difficult to explain to their parents. Sometimes, a child has a learning disability that hasn’t been recognized or diagnosed, and it’s very difficult for the kids to explain that they have a learning disability. Parents often think the kids are just defiant and don’t do their homework, and in this situation school can become a stressor for the child. For example, we know that ADHD is a developmental problem that we can measure in the brain, and if it’s severe enough the child may need to be on medication. It seems unfair to require a kid with ADHD to struggle in school when a medication  exists that can help them improve their school experience.

What are the most common psychiatric issues that you address?

The most common struggles that kids have are with anxiety, depression and, of course, ADHD. I also work with some teens in the co-occurring program that addresses both mental health and substance abuse issues. There are other mood disorders to be evaluated. These include bi-polar disorder, or other disorders on the psychotic spectrum. There are also children who have stressors in the family because of parents separating and other home issues. These are often triggers for anxiety, mood disorders like depression and other psychiatric issues.

It is important to note that many people are predisposed to depression, anxiety or other mental conditions. When a traumatic event happens, this can trigger an episode of these pre-existing conditions. However, if children receive mental health treatment, they will often have the tools they need later in life to successfully deal with these events.

What are some common stressors among young children?

 A stressor might be that kids don’t know how to express their unhappiness or that they want something, or don’t like something. So the most common way the kids show these feelings is to act out, by having a temper tantrum or something similar. I often spend time explaining these behaviors to the parents. The parents sometimes don’t understand why the kids are acting this way, and kids are unable to explain to their parents in any other way except by acting out. A child might get diagnosed with something like Oppositional Defiance Disorder because they don’t want to go to school or to soccer practice. So they throw a huge tantrum, but often the tantrum isn’t about soccer practice at all but rather some source of anxiety or fear related to that particular activity. These conditions cause anxiety and fear for the kids. Think of a young child being fearful and not knowing how to explain to their parents that they don’t want to go to a certain place. Often their only response is to fight back.

A lot of people (parents) don’t recognize these behaviors or know where these behaviors come from, and they are often times very grateful and happy when the situation is explained to them.

If you have concerns or questions, you may call Ryther at 206.517.0234 or visit our website for information or to make an appointment with one of Ryther’s psychiatrists.

Dr. Elina Durchman

There are a great many “experts” who believe that facility based care is either unnecessary or bad. Most of them formed their opinions on this subject on the basis of what might have been going on 20 years ago when “residential” care may have been used excessively by the child welfare. Such people seem to me to be intellectually lazy in that they have clearly not taken the time to examine the population the situation on the ground today where there are just a fraction of the facility based beds available ‘in the old days’. One of the justifications such people use to avoid doing any real thinking is that children cannot learn how to live in a family at a group home. They say this despite the fact that there is research that suggests that children coming out of group homes have more “permanency success than those coming out of foster care. I believe that this is so because in our facility we focus a lot of attention on teaching the children how to more successfully and positively relate to others. When you have a difficult child in a foster home, too often the foster parent has more than enough on their plates to do more than just manage the difficult situations that arise. Given the lack of support most foster parents get from the system it is no wonder that this might be so.
I put this kind of criticism of facility based care in the same category of lazy thinking that lead to a universal condemnation of all mental hospitals. So how are chronically mentally ill people better off living under viaducts and being regularly victimized by the climate and criminals?

We were informed this week of the passing of Barbara Kilborn, a long time and faithful member of the Ryther League. Barbara was a special friend to the children of Ryther and all who had the pleasure of knowing her. She had that rare combination of qualities like dignity with warmth, humor and kindness.
She was quiet and unassuming yet clearly a competently determined hard worker who could encourage and support others. Our sympathies go out to Barbara’s family. We will all miss her dearly.

Each year, the nearly 18,000 Walmart associates in Washington state are asked to vote on which local non-profit organization should receive the Associate Choice grant.  It’s part of a process that takes place over seven weeks, throughout the country, where thousands of associates weigh in online on which organization in their state most deserves Walmart’s support.

This year, Walmart’s Associate Choice program awarded a total of $7 million in grants to organizations across the country, including $100,000 to Ryther in Washington State.

Part of Walmart’s mission is to give back in the communities where we operate.  As Walmart’s director of public affairs and government relations for Washington and Oregon, I have the privilege of working with many fantastic Northwest non-profits—organizations that all do extraordinary work.  Ryther stands out, not only because of the amazing work that takes place there every day, but because of how well its mission aligns with Walmart’s own giving priorities.

In all of our giving efforts, we strive to address the unmet needs of underserved populations by supporting organizations that give individuals access to a better life.  This is exactly what Ryther does for so many children and families who have nowhere else to turn.

Ryther’s mission and the work conducted by its entire staff, volunteers and those in the Ryther League, reflect each of the areas where we focus our charitable giving—education, workforce development and economic opportunity, environmental sustainability, and health and wellness.  With the most recent Associate Choice grant, Walmart has provide a totally of $185,000 in grants to Ryther since 2008.

Walmart Associates receive the Mother Ryther Home Award, being accepted by Jennifer Spall.

I want to express my gratitude for Ryther’s recognition of our company with the Mother Ryther Home Award.  It was an honor to accept the award on behalf of Walmart and our foundation at the recent fundraising luncheon.  We’re grateful to be able to play part in helping carry on Mother Ryther’s tremendous legacy of helping children in need.

In mental health and behavioral health care, one’s health status is usually a function of equilibrium of all body functions and systems; is balance achieved and maintained?
It seems to me that the health of a government and society can be measured in a similar fashion. Is their equilibrium and or balance in how the body politic responds to external crises or stimuli. Good health can be achieved only if there is a balanced (revenues and cuts) approach. Cuts alone will create a chronic disequilibrium that in the long run will be a more difficult and more costly way to survive.

Yesterday, November 10 2011 Ryther had its annual fund raising luncheon and thanks to so many kind and generous people it was a huge success. I want to especially thank our inspirational keynote speaker John Stanton, Jean Enersen for her customary outstanding job as emcee, and Josh our client speaker for his compelling story. Of course I also want to thank everyone who attended and donated to the cause.
IIt was a good event and I think told the Ryther story effectively.

An institution is not defined by a building or the number or type of people in it. Rather, an institution is defined by the experience of it residence. If the residents feel that they are treated with love, dignity and respect, and they feel welcomed and accepted, it’s not an institution, just another type of home.